I Choose Where Jesus Dies

After Jesus’ death, the disciples went back to their old lives. They thought what they hoped for, to be the king and ruler of the nation, turned captive and executed. Many of them left from their position with a sacrificial heart away from comfort, away from family and loved ones to follow Him. Naturally at His death, their hearts were crushed and sank to the pit bottom. Once excited for the lives ahead of them, being the chosen people to follow Jesus and preach the word, with high hopes of ruling the nation together with the new King; now lost, disappointed, and depressed.

When I was looking at this story, I reflected it on myself. When I came to know God and accepted Him as my Lord and Saviour 30 years ago, I was overjoyed and excited for the life ahead of me. I knew God is the powerful one that will do some unbelievable-jaw-dropping-eye-popping works of the miracle that would blow my mind away. I wasn’t only a believer, I became almost an activist for God. Everything I did, I make sure it is done for the Lord, and in the name of God. That’s how passionate I was… maybe a bit too much and irrelevant in certain circumstances.

The reason for the disciples to return to their old lives before they met Jesus also depicts a comfort zone and security. It was what they were doing before, what they knew, and what they were confident of. They thought Jesus was dead, and there is nothing to preach about anymore, nothing to hope for, and nothing to be excited for anymore. It is at that moment a surge of uncertainty and fear overcasts.

This made me look at myself, and realise that there were many moments in my life, some long term, some short term, some just on one task, some a big area of my life, that I have Jesus dead in them. I have to do it my way because it is within my comfort zone and more efficient the way I know it. I have deliberately chosen Jesus to be alive in parts of my life and condemned Him to death in others. I’m thinking, where did the faith that I once had gone? The excitement that was boiling in me about to explode like a volcano, where did that kind of faith gone to? I have nailed Jesus back to His cross into His death!

No. There are ever more reasons for us to be excited about now than Simon Peter when Jesus approached him after His resurrection. First, because Jesus IS alive. Secondly, He has promised us the Holy Spirit, and together with its power (Jn 20:22–23). Thirdly, those who believe inherit the promises of God. And the list will go on with the entire gospel of Christ!

Have you chose your sexual orientation to be above God, and crucified Jesus back onto His cross in this area of your life? I can honestly say I have once done that. Probably for a decade, I have chosen to keep Jesus away from my homosexuality, but praise him in the rest of the areas in my life. I knew that area of me does not please Him. I had to hide that away from Him. Yes, that’s right, hide something from the omniscient God. But as I have come to terms with my relationship with God as a homosexual, and understand how God can elevate my life in Him through this sinful nature or weakness, my perspective of almost everything has changed significantly. I use to not being able to build a close healthy relationship with any male persons. Any male person is my weakness, be it fear of men, or intoxicated love for men. But when I worship God and come to Him in spirit and in the truth of who I am with what difficulties I’m facing, the possessive power of this bondage seems to have no significant influence on me anymore, or at least lessen. I have started to build a right, healthy, and close relationship with other males, such as the pastor and leaders in my church. Our love for each other isn’t what I feel in a homosexual relationship- intoxicated, but a love that is spiritual and godly. I could choose a much more relevant and secular word to describe without making it sound so religious, but I find it difficult to describe the feeling I had. It almost felt foreign to me for the first time in my life, that there is such love so genuine and holy.

If you’ve struggled in something for a long time, maybe you should let Jesus be alive in that area of your life now, and let his resurrection power work it for you.

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