Our Opponent is Ourself
Have you ever wonder why we always feel compelled to compete with others? This may not apply to some people. But we do see this matter lurking inside a person’s mind while portraying on the outside as a person who seeks indifference with others.
Competition is everywhere in our society, starting from a very young age — in school, among friends, in games, matches, business, workplace, throughout our lives. While healthy competition can boost our confidence and promote “upgrades” to our well being and competence; competition could also go the wrong direction and can cripple us.
I was watching a Chinese movie “Fearless” played by the famous Chinese actor Jet Li as Huo Yuanjia. The movie is an adaptation of the life story of Huo Yuanjia, a Chinese martial artist and a co-founder of the Chin Woo Athletic Association that is now the largest wushu martial art organisation in the world. Huo followed his father’s footstep in taking up a martial art and compete with local and international fighters and rose to fame with his undefeated competitions. One of the reasons depicted in the movie for the reason he is so passionate about fighting is so that he can win his opponents, and will not surrender to anything less than a champion of any fights. That passion in him was also a result of seeing his father failed to his opponent when he was little, not understanding that the failure wasn’t in losing a game, but his spirit in competition at no need for the expense of “killing” someone or winning the opponent by putting them to public humiliation or a publicised victory (in which his opponent did not understand and took advantage of his grace). Huo’s desperation for fame in victory caught up with him and went into devastation which birthed revenge and hatred at the expense of the death of many followers, opponents and even his mother and his young daughter. To cut it short, after fleeing from the depressing situation and rehabilitation in a foreign region in the valleys, he rose back up on his feet to understand and cherish the meaning of life.
What caught me and pierced straight through my heart was one of the things he said after rising back up and started his martial art school with a friend, that “in martial art, the competition is not with your opponent, but with yourself”.
I find myself always competing in my mind with others. And the reason is that growing as a gay, I was always being looked down upon. I was teased at school, I was bullied, and was insecure about my competency. All my life, everything I do, I wanted it to be different from other kids in the majority. Even when it came to movie choices, I hardly choose to watch what the majority would. I wanted to be different, and I wanted to feel superior. However, despite having grown up playing music and won several awards, I didn’t feel satisfied with that. So I went to college and did fashion design because it wasn’t mainstream. I struggled and pushed myself to be famous, and successful, in a way to show others I am not useless or just a pitiful gay person. I pushed my way up and won awards in fashion design competitions, I felt on top of the world and later started my line of clothes. I named it after myself so that people will recognise my achievements. But I wasn’t satisfied. I felt that all that I’ve done, wasn’t enough as people didn’t seem to show acknowledgement and recognition. In a way, I felt that I haven’t won the competition. So I attempted to “climb higher” for bigger “laureates”. I have now graduated with a Masters degree in the fashion business. I guess now I can say I am better than most people. And I’m in the process of applying for a doctorate degree. I find that my motivation is flawed. I’m seeking a competition with a world that doesn’t care if I win or lose. The competition is not the world or the competition itself, but the competition is me.
Who am I competing with? What am I competing for? What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to impress? I realise my motivation for seeking “laureates” was to prove that I’m not pitiful — insecurity. Chris Legg said in his article “proving things always requires the bar to be raised”. In which I imagine that there isn’t a ceiling to where the bar stops. It is that funny thing in human nature where when we obtained what we went for, we want more. The bar just keeps rising, and we get tired eventually. Doesn’t that sound pitiful to you? Quoting Pete Cantrell in Kendall’s article, he said “The greatest freedom is having nothing to prove”. We are the adam of our Father’s eyes. The scripture also says “you are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is highly esteemed among men is an abomination (in NLT which says “detestable”) in the sight of God” (Luke 16:15).
You and me, we are not what the world says about us. And does it matter what the world says? After all the awards I get, the fame, the achievements, a grad school award, nobody cared at all what those are! And funnily, the whole society, every individual is competing against the other for something that is the least interest to them but only to themselves. We are indeed pitiful.
I hope we could, and we should wake up every morning and just take 30 seconds to ponder upon what God says we are, and how important and precious we are to Him. Remember the word in Matthew 6:28 “now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith”? It’s not talking so much about clothes, as much as it is talking about you. You may be gay, or straight, male or female, bisexual or transgender; in God, you are precious.
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